1. Cultivate a biblical understanding and attitude

Caring for one another starts with understanding that we’re all needy and we’re all needed. None of us are perfect with no sin and no problems. We need God, and we need other people. 

This takes humility. Humility simply acknowledges our many sins and limitations, and it responds with “I need Jesus, and I need other people”.

Our pride resists being vulnerable, but resisting vulnerability as a self-protective strategy doesn’t lead to freedom and safety.

It turns out that the simple acknowledgment of our neediness and weakness opens a door to the grace of God where we find confidence, peace, security, wisdom, strength, and freedom in Him.

One way to put humility to work is to ask someone to pray for you. But try and be specific in what you are asking for. Consider this process;

(1) Identify the trouble in your life

(2) Connect the trouble with Scripture

It takes time to develop this skill, but as you connect your troubles with the Word, you are joining your life to the promises, graces, and commands of God. 

For example; “I have been sick for a while and can get easily discouraged. Could you pray that I would be healed but that also I would be able to turn quickly to Jesus when I feel especially miserable?” (2 Cor. 4:16-18)

If you don’t know how to do this, ask others to help you make the connections between your needs and God’s Word.

Reflection and Response;

• Have you ever asked another person to pray for you? How did it go? What prevents you from asking for prayer?
• Practice making the connection between your needs and God’s promises. If possible, identify specific Scripture, but that isn't necessary to begin. You could practice with your own needs, or use scenarios such as health concerns, financial fears, relationship difficulties.
• How do you hope to grow in being needy? Who might you ask to pray for you?

2. Move towards Others

God takes the initiative and moves toward us, therefore we take the initiative toward others. All the biblical stories of God moving toward people are stories of grace. He pursued us not because we took some first step of self-reformation. We were simply sick and needed him.

He says "I love you" first, even when we respond with an indifferent shrug. And in this we discover why it might be hard for us to move towards others: the one taking the initiative in the relationship is the one who risks humiliation.

Too often we are silent when we know of someone's trouble. Silence is the same as turning away.

Instead, we turn and move toward others. But this loving pursuit of others is neither easy nor natural to anyone. All of us need humility and help from the Word and the Spirit in order to navigate these early stages. Those initial steps might look like this;

• The Lord calls us family, so we greet warmly.
• The Lord knows our name, so we learn someone's name.
• The Lord knows seemingly irrelevant details about us, so we take an interest in details.

In response to what is said, we listen. We hope to be that person of understanding. This can happen only if we pursue others as we have been pursued by Jesus.

Reflection and Response;

• Have you ever been pursued by someone who took a genuine interest in your life? How did that person do it? How was it encouraging to you?
• We hope to be motivated by how Jesus has treated us. How would you say that Jesus has pursued you?
• Why might you be reluctant to move toward others?
• How can you make first moves towards people this week?

3. Know the Heart

Know the heart, know the person. Our interest in helping one another pushes us beyond routine conversations and into the realm of the heart.

When we are willing to be a little more vulnerable and others handle our hearts with care, we discover that knowing and being known are part of our design, and that going deeper in our conversations becomes both a pleasure and a necessity if we are to care for, help, and encourage each other well.

The heart can be veiled and difficult to know. Think of it as having layers and depth;

Natural desires. You know you have entered into the realm of the heart when you discover wants, affections, or desires. Here we stores the things that are of most importance to us. These desires of the heart are important to the Lord and he invites us to pour out our hearts to him (Psalm 62:8). He invites us to speak, and then he responds with compassion, reminders of past faithfulness, and the certainty of his promises.

Then, as our response to him, we do this with each other. We invite others to speak, we enter into their world and we listen to their answers, and hear their heart.

Moral desires. Just beneath our swirling desires is the moral direction of our lives (see Luke 6:45). Here we find that our hearts can up pure and upright, or duplicitous and corrupt. "How is your heart?" is a question that moves deeper into what's really going on in our lives.

Godward desires. Our moral direction is founded upon a person. The direction of our hearts is never about mere law-keeping or breaking. In our hearts we know our creator God, and all our life is in relation to him. 

We all live before God. He pursues us and invites us to know him through Jesus, that is what is on his heart. We, in turn, respond in one of two ways. Either our godly desire is aroused and we want to hear, know, and come to Jesus. Or our selfish desires attaches to other gods that we think are more valuable. We either turn toward or away from him. In the very depths of our heart, it is not so much about what we love but who we love.

How to move more deeply into someone's life:

1. Ask, "How are you?" Then follow the strong emotions. This is the way to the heart, and this is where help begins. We listen for the joys and the sorrows, the hopes and fears, and we take an interest in them.
2. Enjoy the good. Search for the fruit of the Spirit and other character qualities that look like Jesus. We see or hear those reflections of Christ, we enjoy them, point them out, and simply like the person,
3. Have compassion when there is trouble. The longer you walk with someone, the more trouble you will hear. We want to grow in compassion when we hear it.
4. As you continue to walk together, you might discover a spiritual foundation that is a composite of faith in Jesus and trust in self. Here especially we talk about Jesus and his love, and we pray that we would know him better. When we turn away, we have forgotten who he is, and the prescription is to know him better.

Reflection and response;

• Our hearts are affected by all the circumstances of life (people, culture, work, money, body, etc) and interpret all of life. We are busy. There are lots of things going on. Some influences are obvious and visible, some are less obvious and less visible. Do you have an understanding of how your own heart is affected by the influences around you? Are you aware of them?
• What questions help you make your way into your own heart?
  • What do you love? This asks about the objects of your desire.
  • What makes you happy? This listens for desires satisfied.
  • What makes you sad? This asks about desires postponed or denied.
  • What makes you angry? This too asks about desires denied.
  • What do you fear? This asks about desires at risk.
  • We want to practice on ourselves and grow in transparency before God. As we grow in understanding of how our heart works, we can learn to move more deeply into someone else's life.
• Practice seeing the good - not just good circumstances but moral goodness. Notice when the person is patient when treated badly, kind when treated unkindly, forgiving, gentle, and able to talk about renegade desires. As a general rule, you hope to see this before you talk about more difficult matters.
  • In the last few days, what good have you seen in other people?
  • Why is seeing the good important?

4. Know the Critical Influences

If we are to help wisely, we want to know the heart and the significant influences on the heart. Everything we face, big and small, significant and seemingly insignificant, is engaged in negotiations with our hearts; either challenging our beliefs or confirming them. God, of course, over and through them all, and it is his voice we want to hear more clearly.

The sheer number of influences on our hearts is impossible to fully know, but among those that consistently top the list are the impact of other people and the effects of the body and brain.

People

People have the most obvious impact on our lives. Our relationships bless, and sometimes, curse. Psalm 133 extols the blessing of unity ("...how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!"), and yet, the majority of the Psalms identify the pain of isolation and the misery caused by man.

We know that God is at work in the midst of hard relationships and pain. And yet, so is Satan. We know that he uses such difficulties to raise questions about God's care and compassion; does God really care? Would a good father let his children go through such things? 

All painful circumstances can incite a confusing din of competing voices that reveal or overwhelm our hearts, and we can have competing responses.

Helpers walk carefully here. These responses reveal important matters, but when we care for others, we rarely rush into the heart's response first. We wouldn't begin a conversation with Job by saying, "How have you, before the Lord, responded to your children's deaths and your own aches and pains?" Those questions bypass compassion and are often unnecessary.

This does not mean we postpone speaking about the Lord, but only that we walk with care toward another person's heart. Help, at its best, brings Christ early and often. When we hear of overwhelming circumstances and relationships, we want to help one another speak these troubles to the Lord, ask for his compassion and strength, and be assured of his faithful love. 

Bodies

The impact of other people is rivaled by the impact of our bodies. Our bodies are us, but they also act as a kind of influence on our hearts similar to the way that people do. We are physical beings and always will be. How are bodies are doing, health or sickness, affects us. When we hear of good health, we enjoy that person's blessings; when we hear of sickness, we hope to understand more, have compassion, and pray.

Here is a general rule: the more you understand a person's physical weaknesses, the more patient you will be with that person.

Understanding the power of circumstances

The circumstances of life do not have the power to turn us away from Jesus or to make us love him more - those are the jurisdiction of the heart. But they can make life easier or more miserable, and they can be difficult tests that reveal surprising things about what was once quiet in our hearts.

There are endless depths and recesses within any person. We have the privilege of sharing and knowing some of these places. Though we can never know each other exhaustively, we can know each other accurately and truly.

Reflection and response;

• Endless influences shape our lives. What has been the prominent influence on your life? How has it affected your heart?
• How has knowing the particulars about someone's relationship with others, or physical weaknesses contributed to your patience and love for that person?
• Psalm 130:1-4 is an example of how we can move naturally from circumstances to the heart. The psalmist faces a pretty awful set of circumstances, but he directs his pleas to the Lord. He remembers that if the Lord, in his loving-kindness, forgives his enemies, then we can be assured that he will be will us during our time of need. We do not deny the hardships of life. Rather, we want to speak them to the God who hears, remember his promises and faithful love, and grow in trusting him
  • Take time to pray that we would be able to speak similar Psalms.

5. Be Personal and Pray

Though we might think that real help comes through dramatic and new insights, most help tends to come in more ordinary ways. It comes through our personal engagement with each other, our attention to Christ, and prayer.

Be Personal

Personal means that God comes close to his people. He is involved, concerned, engaged. Our help too, is personal. We rejoice with those who rejoice, and we weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15) because doing so reflects the character of God.

We enjoy others and the good things they have received;

• "I am so happy for you"
• "Let's celebrate together"
• "What a great gift. This is wonderful"

We also enjoy them and the good things that come out of their hearts;

• "Your openness about your life has been such a lesson to me about grace"
• "Thank you so much for your concern for me. It reminds me that I am not alone"
• "I so appreciate seeing the patience and kindness you give to your children"

We have compassion as we share in their burdens and sufferings;

• "I'm so sorry"
• "This seems so hard. Could you tell me a little more?"
• "You are on my heart"

The general rule for being personal is to say something when you are given access to someone's treasures. It doesn't have to be much. What guides our responses is both the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) and humility. The Golden Rule asks, "What have other people said to me that was helpful and encouraging?" Humility asks, "What could help and encourage you?" When we don't know what to say, we ask for help.

As a variation on the Golden Rule, you could also consider what is unhelpful. For example, it is almost always unhelpful to give advice to someone who is troubled, unless the troubled one asks. 

Talking about yourself might also be unhelpful, at least initially.

Pray

One certain way to be personal is to pray. That is evidence that someone is on our hearts. Prayer joins together our knowledge of others, our love for them, and our knowledge of God and his promises.

Pray for and with people. The best care identifies the needs in our lives that can be met only in Jesus Christ. Those are our most important and deepest needs.

Reflection and response;

• When have you been blessed by the personal responses of others? 
• God's heart is strongly moved and aroused on behalf of his people. God is moved by his people, we too want to moved by the pleasures and hardships of those we love. As we think about the fact that God is moved by us, we hope to be even more responsive to others. How might these realities affect how you pray?
• The movement from knowing others to praying with them face-to-face can be hard. Why might that be? How do you hope to grow in praying with others?

6. Talk about Suffering

Hardships and suffering are everywhere, and Scripture counters by speaking to our troubles on nearly every page.

Since so many of our conversations are about hardships, we want to know more about what God says to those who suffer. Most of us have thought about these things. We all have some ideas of what God says. Our interest is to refine what we know and add to it. Where do we begin?

Some of our struggles are clearly identified in Scripture. For example, we can look up "fear" or "anxiety" in a Bible concordance, and hundreds of passages are immediately identified. But what about when Scripture does not clearly identify a particular problem? 

Using the Wilderness story 

As you read this story in Exodus, you can see a pattern for how we can walk with someone through hardship. God had delivered his people out of slavery in Egypt, and the plan was to move through the wilderness to the Promised Land. But the wilderness journey became longer and more difficult than anyone anticipated.

The wilderness is hard, and we respond with compassion. The wilderness is a place of destitution and powerlessness. In it it feels as if all is lost and you can't take another step. Threats are everywhere. As people who want to help, the wilderness journeys of those we love will evoke our compassion. We grieve with those who grieve, we move closer to them, and we pray that they would be strengthened.

More is happening in the wilderness than hardships. Things are not exactly what they seem. Though we might feel alone, the Lord is there and since he is the source of life, life will come perhaps in ways we could not see and would not expect. This desert is where water comes from rocks and manna appears every morning. It is also where the Lord tests and trains his children so they can see what is actually in their hearts and can ascend with maturity and wisdom to the royal courts (Deuteronomy 8:1-3; James 1:2-5). The test goes to the depth of our souls; will we believe and trust him when our circumstances seem dire?

In the original wilderness story, the people forgot God and complained against him. We so often replicate their journey and when life is hard we trust our senses more than what God says.

In response to our faithlessness, Jesus himself entered the wilderness. In our wilderness, our aspiration is to have eyes on Jesus.

The wilderness is an opportunity for faith. Knowing Jesus has gone before us and has now given us the Spirit to do what we could not do before, we can turn to the Lord rather than away from him during troubles. Jesus is now with us by his Spirit, and he prepares a place for us in the promised land. Having defeated Satan, forgiven our sins, and successfully gone through the wilderness on our behalf, he guides us through the wilderness to our home with him. As we persevere by trusting him, he strengthens us in our weakness. Part of responding with faith is to simply speak to God (see Psalm 130:1-2).

Reflection and response;

• Have any particular Scripture passages about suffering become especially meaningful to you? 
• Can you connect the wilderness story to "modern" problems or struggles that have been hard to find in Scripture? The wilderness story encompasses all types of hardships, including those that come from irregularities in the brain or the body. Among the strengths of this narrative is that we don’t have to know the precise cause of the trouble to inhabit it, and it accepts all kinds of trouble.
• How would you pray for someone, using the wilderness story? Here are some of the spiritual realities gleaned from the Exodus master story that can guide you:
  • Life is hard. The Son suffered, and those who follow the Son will suffer (1 Pet. 4:12). 
  • Speak honestly and often to the Lord. This is critical. Just speak, groan, have someone read you a psalm, and say a weak “Amen.” 
  • Expect to get to know God better while in this wilderness (Phil. 3:10–11). 
  • All eyes on Jesus. Keep an eye out in Scripture for the Suffering Servant. He has entered into your suffering, and you can enter into his. (Isaiah 39–53; John 10–21). 
  • Live by faith; see the unseen (Heb. 11:1). Normal eyesight is not enough. Your eyes will tell you that God is far away and silent. The truth is that he is close—invisible, but close. He has a unique affection for fellow sufferers. So get help to build up your spiritual vision. Search Scripture. Enlist others to help, to pray, to remind you of the truth. Ask the God of comfort to comfort you. 
  • God is God (Job 38–42); we are his children who do not understand the details of his ways (Psalm 131; Isa. 55:8). Humility before the King can quiet some of your questions. 
  • Get help. Talk to those who have suffered; read their books; listen to them. You are not alone. 
  • Confess sin. This doesn’t mean that sin is necessarily the cause of suffering. It simply means that suffering tests our loyalties, and our loyalties might be exposed as being more divided than we knew (James 1:2–4). Also, confession is a regular feature of daily life. It helps you to see the cross of Jesus more clearly and is the quickest way to see the persistent and lavish love of God (Heb. 12:1–12). Look ahead. We need spiritual vision for what is happening now and for where the universe is heading. We are on a pilgrimage that ends at the temple of God (Pss. 23:6; 84:1–4)

All these spiritual realities are not intended to give us answers to everyone's questions. They do, however, remind us that God speaks about our suffering and to sufferers.

7. Talk about Sin

Wise conversations will talk about sin. Though we might prefer to avoid this, we know that we all struggle with sin, and we all need each other's help.

The hard circumstances of life feel like our most pressing problem. Our struggles with faith and following Christ in obedience are even more important. Suffering, for example, cannot separate us from the Lord, but hard hearts and persistent sin break our relationship with God. They will eventually separate us from others, and, if left unattended, end with misery that far outweighs our present hardships. 

Since we are saints who sin, how can we talk about sin to those who might be caught in it?

See the good. Keep this general rule in mind: we talk about the hard things and good things before we talk about the bad. For example, the apostle Paul wrote about serious sins to the church in Corinth. Yet he starts with the good (read 1 Corinthians 1:4-7). In this, Paul takes his cue from how his life is tucked into Jesus, and the Father identifies him as a saint first. We want to do the same.

We all sin. But we are saints who sin. The era in which we live—on the far side of Christ’s sacrifice for sins and his sending of the Spirit to us—is not sin-free. It is condemnation-free and full of forgiveness, and it is an era when we are no longer slaves to sin and are liberated and empowered to fight against it. But it is not sin-free. We can still organize our worlds around our own selfish desires; we can believe what we feel more than what God has said and done in Jesus Christ; and we can discount his holiness, beauty, and power. 

So we talk about sin “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (Eph. 4:2). We talk about our own sin and the sin of those we want to help, and we would like these conversations to be good. Not that sin itself is good, but we are actually blessed when we can see our sin. 

When we see our sin, we are more grateful for forgiveness of sins because we understand that we have been forgiven for much, whereas “he who is forgiven little, loves little” (Luke 7:47). When we see sin, we are close to the light. Only when we don’t see our sin should we be suspicious of our hearts. "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us". (1 John 1:8) 

Our goal is to contribute to a community in which it is increasingly natural to talk about sin and ask each other for help.

Ways to talk about sin

The way we approach talking about sin is different in different situations. For example, the person who has confessed sin is already in a battle against it, the person in whom we see and confront the sin, may not yet have entered the battle against it. Following are some ways to enter into the discussion/

Say something. The first words are often the hardest. When you have no idea what to say, be honest: 

“You have been on my heart. I have really appreciated your willingness to say that you struggle with porn, but I have been concerned that people might leave you alone. Could we talk about it?” 

“Something you said the other day has really stuck with me. It was when you got angry at your wife. Could we talk about it?” 

“I know you have been really busy with work and traveling more than usual. It got me thinking about how my own struggle with temptations can be more severe when there are fewer people around who know me. How have you been dealing with your temptations when you are on the road?” 

If you have clear evidence of sinful actions, be specific. If you have concerns or questions, simply raise them without accusing. All this can be hard, but, if we are left with regrets, most of us regret not saying something.

"We" more than "You". “We are in this together.” That might mean you don’t fully understand the nature of another’s sin, but you will be right next to him, with patience and kindness, in the battle. It can also mean that you do understand his sin because you too struggle with a variant of it. Whatever sin you see in others, a brief search usually reveals that you too are vulnerable to the same kind of sin. Your version might look different but comes from the same renegade desires.

Questions more than exhortations. As Jesus speaks with people who are caught in sin, he often asks questions. These questions often weave together two purposes. First, Jesus is inviting us to think about something. Sin tends to look less attractive when it is closely inspected. Second, Jesus is inviting us to a conversation. He is asking questions in order to get a response. “Come now, let us reason together” is a standard way the Lord approaches our sin. 

Among the questions we might ask is, “How can I help?”

Sin is personal. Sin is always about God, whether we are aware of that or not. It is bent on independence. When we are angry, our anger is not consciously about God, but it is about God (James 4:1–4). Even our grumbling and complaining are about God. They say, “What have you done for me recently?” They hold God in contempt (Num. 14:11). 

Clarity comes from knowing both our hearts and our Lord: 

1. We know that our sin is first against God, and we confess it, as we would in any relationship. 
2. We know that our Lord is quick to forgive. 
3. We set out to know Jesus better. We must not have known and loved him as we thought we did. Perhaps we have thought that the Lord is a policeman looking for the slightest infraction, and we, in turn, have been looking for ways to get out from under the burden of one law after another. So we counter any resident myths with the accurate knowledge of Jesus, who loved us while we were his enemies, and we set out to enjoy both him and his divine hospitality. Anything else will end in meaninglessness, misery, and other forays into sin.

End confession with "Thank You". Our instinct, after confession, is to go into exile and reform ourselves so that we become acceptable to our Father. But keep the story of the prodigal son in mind (Luke 15:11-24). Our Father is simply inclined to forgive. Satan's lie suggests that God is like a human and his grace and love are restricted. May we never be fooled by such lies. We are a people who were loved even when we opposed the Lord, we rest in Jesus' completed sacrifice, we rely on the Spirit's presence and power, and we can have hints of joy in everyday life.

We could summarise the process this way: after confession, end with “thank you.” When we say this, we have confronted both Satan’s lies and our own sense that grace is for other people but not for us. 

Could you imagine a community in which we can confess our sins to one another, and we respond to such confessions and pleas with humility, gentleness, patience, and prayer?

Reflection and response;

• Has anyone ever spoken to you about your sin in a helpful way? How did they do that? Has anyone every spoken to you about your sin in a way that was unhelpful? Why was it unhelpful?
• One goal for all God’s people is to be able to identify one area of sin and see how this sin is personal. Can you name one? Do you confess it? Do you end in thanks? Are you okay speaking about it publicly? Identifying our own sin keeps us turned toward the Life, and it promotes humility and patience as we speak with others. If there is secret sin, whom will you speak to about it? 
• We will not be speaking to others about their sin every day. We will speak about good things and hard things much more often. But if we love, there will be times when speaking about sin and temptations is the order of the day. Parents do this with their children. We hope to do it better with each other. Do you have concerns about this? Are there any particular ways that you hope to grow in it?

8. Remember who we are and whose we are

Underpinning all of these things is the gospel of Jesus. We do none of this in our own strength, nor do we try and care for one another with our own wisdom. We need the help and wisdom of the Spirit as we care for one another as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Word vs World

We live in a world with less-than-biblical chatter always surrounding us. These messages are everywhere. They typically attempt to undermine the extent of the Lord’s love or our need for him: 

“You aren’t good enough. No wonder you are having so many hardships in your life. You’d better believe more. You have to work harder.” 

We counter this as we remember together the God who makes the first move toward us, who invites us to call out to him, and who loves not because we are so lovable but because he is love. 

A second message is just as dangerous: 

“You are good enough. Just believe in yourself. Jesus will give you the things you want.”

In response, we remind each other that just as Israel needed manna every day, we need his forgiving and empowering grace—his very presence—every day. And the path we are on will not necessarily yield increased prestige before our neighbors or place us first in line for anything. Such a path would feed the pride and independence that we hope to see die. 

Rather, we follow Jesus, the crucified one, and we will have hardships. Yet, somehow, even in hardships we still taste the heavenly banquet that truly satisfies our souls.

Growing in maturity as children!

Isn’t it interesting that the maturity that makes us less susceptible to these myths comes about as we grow up into being God’s children? As his children we pour out our hearts to our Father, and we stand on the firm foundation of Jesus, who is our peace, acceptance, and power. This takes us back to where we began. God uses ordinary people and their increasingly wise, childlike, God-dependent conversations to build his church. These do not depend on our brilliance in order to be helpful; they depend on Jesus, his strength, our weakness, and our humble response to him. 

As we grow in this spiritual care for one another, we will indeed hear of human struggles that are more intense and more complicated than we thought possible, and we might feel like an inept child more than a dependent one. We will hear about matters of life and death. We will hear stories that might, at first, seem foreign to us. We certainly hope to hear of these, because we know these struggles are everywhere. When we do, we will be moved by what we hear, we will pray with and pray for, and we will seek help. Wisdom, humility, and love seek the help of those who have more experience than we do—pastors, friends who have gone through similar problems, friends who have helped those with similar problems, and professional helpers. This is the church working together. 

It starts with small steps toward each other and life with each other.

Reflection and response;

• What stands out in your own summary of these eight lessons? 
• What has been different in your conversations as a result of doing this study?   
• Humility seeks help. Can you imagine how a confusing conversation with another person could lead naturally to the two of you seeking more help? When would you do that? 
• What’s next? What would help you to grow in these wise and helpful conversations? How do you aspire to grow as a family member in the household of God?